“The key to wisdom is this- constant and frequent questioning, for by doubting we are led to questions, by questioning we arrive at the truth.” Peter Abelard
The power of WHY lies in where the WHY question leads. It may lead to truth as Abelard suggests, but there may be an even greater use for the question WHY.
Many of us remember in our youth pestering our parents for the answers to our endless questions. Questions ranged from the esoteric “why is the sky blue?” to the practical, “why do I have to go to bed now?” Most of the time, my parents assented to my questions and attempted to give me satisfactory, if not complete, answers to the question – WHY?
But the real power of WHY lies in what occurs when the final answer we receive starts with “because I said so.” I can remember coming home one day and asking my mom if I could try out for the Pop Warner footbal team in our town. My mom’s immediate answer was “NO!” Then it began. “I asked why not?” My mom answered, “I think you might do better in another sport.” I shot back, “But why?” To make a long story short (and because I am certain you have had similar question and answer exchanges with your parents or another figure of influence), the inevitable response from my mom was spoken – “because I said so.” That was the end of the conversation. I dared not venture into questioning my mom any further. She had spoken.
I could not exist as a middle school-aged kid without more satisfaction from the questions I put to my mother and others. So the next time my mom and I got to the “because I said so” statement, I pushed it just a bit farther. In response to “because I said so,” I added another question, “what about my opinion?” My mom stared at me in disbelief. I had gone beyond the protocols, the boundaries she had set for our conversations. At first, my mom said, “because I said so and I am your mother.” I added the now familiar but ineffective “but all of my friends are doing… you don’t trust me, you don’t love me, you don’t care what my friends say about me.” I tried all of those lines of questioning seeking a stable rhetorical foothold so I could go beyond “because I am your mother and I said so.”
That’s when my mother stopped me in my tracks as she said, “because I love you and I don’t want to see you hurt.” Her answer to not letting me play Pop Earner Footfall was that she loved me and did not want me to get hurt. The hurt my mom was trying to keep me from was not only physical hurt but “psychic hurt” as the older kids would inevitably bully me because of my slight size and weight. She knew this, I didn’t yet.
What I eventually discovered in questioning adults, parents, teachers, coaches, ministers, and others who possessed some form of authority and power over me was their specific reason behind the “because I said so” response. My mother loved me, my teachers only wanted the best for and from me, my coaches wanted to challenge me, ministers wanted me to understand compassion, authority figures wanted to be certain I did not limit myself by breaking laws or local customs.
I learned the real power of WHY was in the conversations I had with folks who took the time and effort to help me understand growing up. When their concern was built upon love, or educating me, our helping me perform at a more skillful level, or making certain my choices in the future weren’t limited by serious past deeds, I realized these folks wished me no harm or to needlessly restrict or reign me in. Folks who go beyond “BECAUSE I SAID SO” and helped me see their honest concerns were the folks I would end up trusting and believing.
I came to understand that every decision my mother made concerning me was because of love. I did not always agree with her and it usually took some time before I saw the truth and the love behind her decisions and advice. Additionally, I ended up experiencing many of my teachers who attempted to challenge me to learn, to question, to think critically in whatever interests came along. Even on the rare occasion that I did something bone-headed and had the police bring me home to my parents, the police just wanted me to see the effects of my choices, within the confines, protections, and guarantees of the law.
The real power of why is that simple word WHY helps one discern who can be trusted and believed. It helps one discern the true motives and agendas of those whose jobs are to help us grow in mind, body, and spirit. To this day, when I meet someone who is willing to explain (and show) their concern for me, the genuineness of their concern becomes the foundation for new friendships and new insight.
The real power of WHY is teaching one how to trust so that in the end we can discern the truth just as Peter Abelard suggeted in the openiong quote.
Let someone know the truth behind your “because I said so” answers. Let them find in you a new and faithful friend who can be trusted and who can be believed.
POST SCRIPT – this post seems so naive and out of place in today’s world. Nowadays, when someone doesn’t like an aswer to their question, rather than seeking greater understanding between two points of view seeking to reconcile themselves, they go off without having experienced trust or new perspective, without perhaps finding a new trustworthy friend who seeks only the common good of all the folks involved. It seems easier these days to battle one another than to do the hard work of developing trust and understanding. I wish this were not so.
